Alright, so this is my first entry in one of these things in forever...i have a lot to say, and it will probably come out rather randomly, as that's kind of how my mind is...so to get started, i will tell you a little about myself..
* My past is very messy. I hated grade school..i think everyone hated me, therefore, i hated it..i don't remember too much except being made fun of ALL THE TIME and crying a lot, being really sad, writing "will you be my friend" on Valentine's one year, taking pencils and pens and other random crap out of pther people's desks to get attention..i didn't care that it would be "bad" attention, i just felt better that someone was forced to talk to me for that day..it was a very lonely time, and i wish it hadn't been so bad, but i guess if it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger...
* In highschool, i met a kid named Ben..he was a twin to a kid named Brian..i tried to hang out with Ben, but i ended up dating his twin. They were Jewish, not that that really matters, but what DOES matter, is that the whole family is really fucked up..I cannot begin to explain all of the emotional abuse i endured throughout the five years in which i dated Brian, not to mention the sexual abuse and verbal shit, but i thought i didn't deserve anything better, and that this was how life was supposed to be...i guess i was extremely wrong, but i didn't know that until wayyy later...anyways, the details are quite gory, so i will spare you, but i will say that he kind of broke up with me after all that time over the phone (coward) and he said we would not talk for 2 weeks and see how things were after that time..never happened..i thought i loved him (noo way) and i wanted to fix things right away..didn't know that was a horrible attribute to have, but he started dating another girl, Karen, before he did break up with me..and talked to me a couple of times wanting nasty favors from me..whatever..i don't play that way..the mother is a HUGEEE psychotic case, and i remember at one point, her psychiatrist told her to get another because "one isn't enough" s/he was definitely right about that ;) she probably traumatized me for life (ok maybe not life) but it was definitely damaging...i coupdn't take all of the abuse from the family, and i started to believe the bad stuff Brian would tell me, and i hated myself so much, that i was suicidal a few times, and i began to engage in a serious eating disorder, anorexia nervousa. Again, bad idea. After we broke up, it got really bad..i'll talk more at a different bullet about that..oh, i think it's what's next actually, sooo...
* Yeah, I became severly anorexic after Brian and i broke up, as i had no real friends anymore, because we never did anything with my friends, only his...and they all essentially wanted nothing to do with me after we spilt, so i felt so horribly alone, and i "befriended" my eating disorder..earlier on, when i was like 92 lbs. i remember coming back from a nutrition appointment, and stopping at Dominos Pizza and getting a small green pepper pizza...i brought it home and ate the whole thing by myself in like 20 minutes..my mom came home and she was so happy i had eaten..i ate because i was scared to death of actually dying..It continued, and that was prolly the last pizza i ate..my problems and i mentally fought allll the time, and i hated the whole thing, and myself, and my family was a wreck over it...i used to be what i would call, best friends with my younger sister, and my disorder pushed her away, and i can 100% understand why..it took all my parents time and energy worrying about me, and trying to help me..i don't know if any of them will ever truly know how utterly sorry i am for that. It honestly wasn't my choice, or my fault. I desperately wanted out, and the harder i tried to fight it, the worse it got (it's probably one of the most controlling things anyone might ever deal with..you don't know unless you have it, and i pray no one will try it). I eventually started to dabble with bulimia, despite how much i detest throwing up...i would, at one point, consume an entire box of low-fat graham crackers with cool whip, and throw the whole mess up, and i know it was everything bc i wouldn't stop till nothing but acid and water came up :(... In highschool i was diagnosed with GERD (severe acid refulx to keep it simple) and lactose intolerance, so eating stuff that would "piss those off" made it easier..twisted, i know. nature of the disease...anyways, eventually, when i was 25 years old, i weighed 65 lbs. (appx.) and i was already in the hospital on the psych ward for prolly the billionth time that year for electrolyte stabilization and observation, and they took my blood and could not pull up ANYTHING except red blood cell count (i think that's what they said- i was half-awake and delerious at that point so i cannot recall verbatim what they said to me) but i was told i was going to move to the medical floor for treatment..now, some time before this, i had been admitted to Walden Behavioral Care (E.D clinic) twice, and was kicked out both times for resisting treatment, and one of the treatments was a feeding tube (i filled the bag of boost with half water during "free time" when the bathroom was not monitored) and when i went to the fourth floor (med. floor) i got another tube down my nose..with the chocolate crap i hated...i was so angry, but i remember laying in the hospital bed, looking at my tiny legs, and asking why i did this to myself..i think part of what scared me most was when i found out that the doctor or nurse had to tell my parents that i had 48 hours to either make it or not... i didn't know about that till much later, but that really gets me in the gut..probably the worst thing i could ever do to my parents, whom i love so much <3 anyways, when i statred to question why i did it, i began to try to help myself, which is really the only way i ever got better..no one else could tell me what i needed to do or how to do it.. i had to make this choice for myself..
* Eventually i got a lot better than when i had come into the hospital and i was moved back to the psych unit, where i waited to be transferred to Worcester State Hospital for a year, four months, and nine days..that place was horrible..i am very lucky i came out sane..but i got out, and i will never, EVER go back...My treatment is therapy once a week, a nutritionist every one-two weeks, psychopharmacology for severe anxiety and depression, and the rest is my own perogative.
*After getting out, i did some school, and then i took up a job at Dunkin Donuts in Northboro, MA where i worked for 2 years..during that time, i met a guy, Chris, and we began dating. I honestly don't believe it took more than our first words exchanged for me to know that he was the part of me that i had been missing and searching for all of these years. I love him more than everything, and i would give up one of my kidneys for him if he needed it..point being i'd do anything for him..we are now engaged to be married and pan to do so in the Fall 2012 <3 till infinity and beyond...:)
*In October, 2010, Chris and I learned i was pregnant, but soon later, i miscarried. This was probably one of the most heartbreaking things to ever happen to me on this kind of a level..but we made it through it, with a few bruises, but stronger..we also got engaged in this month, and that's pretty damn awesome ;) nah, it's completely, wholly awesome :D
*Things were ok for the mostpart but Chris had started working a second job in August 2010, and i was wicked lonely.. i had started work at Subway in Westborough in May, and didn't have as many hours as he did, so i tried to take on more (ultimately insanely more) hours to conceal my discontentedness with life. Read, with LIFE, not Chris..he was doing everything for me, and our future.. i'm just selfish sometimes..and want to have my cake and eat it too. Anyways, i forgot to mention that i still struggle with eating problems, and was eating very little and working a LOT, and i was stressed about missing Chris, and he was stressed bc i was stressed, and we were both still upset about the miscarriage, so we ended up getting into a huge fight over the stupidest thing..i worked so much and never saw him, so i turned to the first person i could get my hands on, which happened ot be a homewrecker customer, who posed as a "friend"..Chris knew what he wanted, and i had no clue, seeing as i have a lot of trouble differentiating between abusive people and real friends...i don't have many real ones, so i have no clue..anyways, that period of time was horrible..i wanted to die.
*That was in January, and in prolly mid-January, we learned i was pregnant again! That on top of the rest... haha well...hormonal chaos..mr. homewrecker crossed the line, and is no longer part of our lives, Thank G-d..and our pregnancy is going wonderfully! It's a little baby boy, Christian Michael, due Sept. 21, 2011..and we cannot wait!!! :D :D I love our little family, and have come to appreciate myself as well.
*I have horrible guilt about our fight in January. I was the biggest a$$ for being like i was, and thinking i needed to go to someone else, when i needed to stay home. I never left, nor did Chris, and we always slept in the same bed each night, we cried together, and i knew it was wrong but i was so lonely, i had no idea what to do. Chris is my best friend, and when u share your life with your best friend, it's very hard to accept the fact that you can't always be together physically, but that happens everywhere. Anyways, it haunts me that i was so wrong and said i wasn't even though i knew i was. I can promise to NEVER make that mistake again. I worry that something will happen someday, and that we may fight again, but i guess a little disagreement is part of life, and happens in every relationship. I do not know one successful couple that doesn't have moments of disagreement..but you make it through by working together to come to a solution..which is what we essentially did, i was just very unhealthy and confused, and vulnerable..no i do not use these as excuses, there isn't one..but it is honestly how i felt and perhaps if i were in a better state of mind, i would have seen how insane the demands were that i was imposing on myself, and i would have corrected my end..But i did learn to put us first..and take care of myself a lot better..
*Christian Michael has been probably the biggest Saving Grace in our life. He has brought us so much purpose for doing what we do, and shown us what unconditional love is (and he's not even here yet!) I eat a lot better now, because i want him to be healthy and strong, and because i realized that i DO care about myself, and i want ME to be healthy and strong. I do not ever want him to be in a situation where he sees me abusing myself because of what some asshole told he in highschool/college, or even grade school. I want him to know that life will always have obstacles, but no matter how difficult, anything is capable of being overcome. Listen to your heart, your family, yourself, and you will always find the way..and never stop listening and talking to G-d..He will always be there to help and show you the path to life..I now dedicate my life to raising this little boy into the best possible person he can learn to be, through Chris and I, Faith, love, family, and himself. Life isn't about your college degree, how much money you make, or whatever else people may think materially defines you..life is what you give, you recieve, you grow, you learn, you love. I just want him to be happy and healthy all of his infinite days :)
*I believe prayer transcends everything...including the clouds on this cloudy, rainy, not-my-favorite kind of days, so always look up to G-d with a thank you, a question, a thought, a conversation..He will never stop listening..
OK, so that's probably enough for right now, maybe i'll write more later, but now, this mama needs to nap and eat :) I hope this didn't bore you, but it got a lot out..which i am thankful for :) please feel free to leave a comment or whatever, because i love hearing from people..Thank You!
<3, RoByN :D :D :D
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